Nakiaj1s – Join the Madness

{June 22, 2009}   ME

Deal With It

I’ve recently been made painfully aware that I can come off as insensitive, abrasive and “not interested” to the general male population…….My bad. I THOUGHT I was just being true to myself. It seems that myself is; insensitive, abrasive and not interested. I’m also now confused. I know there are things about me that are atypical to females (I’ll get into those in a minute) but you’d think that guys would appreciate a smart, funny, independent woman with a healthy sexual appetite. Boy was I wrong. Apparently what they want is a doting, giggling, needy broad that they can high five their boys about how they “hit it” and then complain later about all the hair and nail appointments they have to pay for to keep their bitch looking fine. I could be exaggerating but that’s the vibe I’m getting from what I see going on around me. Like my next door neighbor who has no discernable job but instead has a bevy of well paid fat men who come by and bring her stuff and take her places and apparently pay her bills. I’m sorry but I can’t have a man huffing and puffing on top of me so I can drive a Neon. No thank you.

So…here all laid out for you are some of the typical and conversely atypical things about me every man should know:

Let’s start with the good news:

  1. I like to be wined and dined. Movies, dinner for two, long walks holding hands. All that.
  2. I love shoes. Pumps, stilettos, sandals, boots, flats, slip-ons (NOT strap-ons), wedges, espadrilles, platforms, peeptoes, and anything that slims my ankles.
  3. I like reading the glossies. Elle, Vogue, Ebony, Essence, People, COSMO! Yeah…I do the quizzes “Find Your Astrological Match”, “Which ‘Golden Girl’ Are You?”, “How Much Do You Know About Your Vagina”. Those.
  4. I like makeup. I’m an autumn and earth tones look best on me.
  5. I watch the Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmys, Grammys, Hip Hop Awards and all the rest so I can see what everyone is wearing on the red carpet and during performances.
  6. I cry. I REALLY DO! At sad sappy movies: “The Bridges of Madison County” did me in, as did “All Dogs Go To Heaven”. I cry at happy Hallmark commercials and births. I don’t cry at weddings. I’ll leave that crying to the bride and groom… poor saps. I usually cry when people die but I’ve been having some problems with that recently. But that commercial about all the abused and abandoned animals gets me every time.
  7. Oh…I like puppies and kittens and horses. BOY do I like horses. Just like every little girl should.
  8. I like spooning. Hugging and snuggling in bed. Mmm. Snuggly.
  9. I like my nails painted and my hair done..I just can’t afford to get it done all the time. I’m really DIY about it
  10. I shave or wax EVERYTHING except my head. Smooth is cool. I enjoy being smooth.
  11. I’m self conscious about my weight. Find me a woman who’s happy with her body and I’ll find you a liar.
  12. And before I get to the bad news let me just stress, I like MEN. Sexy men with strapping good looks. Whatever strapping means. You know…hotties!

Now for the bad news. And any sissified, mamas boy who can’t handle it better look away now because the following is true for more women than those who admit it.

  1. I CAN do it myself. If a man is not around I can get the jar open, kill the spider, change the tire, cut the grass or whatever else it takes for me to survive in the real world without the help of the male species. I am NOT helpless. Not to say that I wouldn’t prefer for a man to do the job for me. Just don’t think that it’s not going to get done just because you’re not around.
  2. I know what that sound is under the hood. I might not necessarily be able to fix it but I can give you a good idea of what it is. Engine knocking, tire low, battery, alternator, loose muffler. I’ve had crappy cars since before I had a license. It’s all relative.
  3. I like football and basketball and I watch them on TV. AND I yell at the screen and jump up and down.
  4. I just MIGHT beat you at wrestling or slap fighting. Chances are if you actually hit me it’ll hurt like hell and I’ll cry about it. But you’re also taking that chance that I’ll get really mad and try to beat the shit out of you too.

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