Nakiaj1s – Join the Madness

{June 26, 2009}   They Don’t Dance No More


I am not that old. I’m not from ancient times or even the good ol’ days. It’s possible that I MAY be old school, but that’s debatable. So I am confused as to what has happened to the club scene in just a few short years.

My idea of a good club is fun, loud, populated by pretty, good music and, what’s that thing….DANCING!!! Instead I find what can only be described as a lame music video full of wanna-be actors aching to be seen. I was married for 5 years…pregnant for at least two of those years, nursing through the third and spiraling towards divorce for the last two…but for five years I was out of the club scene. In that time things have taken a turn for the wack. Now divorced and back on the circuit I set out to explore and discover at least ONE good club. So far I’ve come up short. Instead what I’ve observed is the next generation in cheap men wearing sunglasses and nursing the one expensive drink they’ll buy all night pretending to be “ballers”. They don’t dance, they profile. They stand on the edge of the dance floor in groups and gaze upon the masses as if they are kings, or at least P.Diddy. Meanwhile, flocks of half dressed females gather together in the center of the dance floor. Some of them will occasionally put on a display by bending over and dancing to the most misogynistic song playing in an attempt to garner the attention of the males. This action is rewarded by one of the males who will come and put his junk on her. Fascinating.

What is the cause of this? Why have the standards for “club” been reduced to those of “bar” or “grocery store check out line”? Maybe everyone thinks a camera crew is about to sail through and capture them in a state of awesomeness. Well…they’re wrong. Instead they have wasted a good deal of space and money and plenty of my time. When my clubbing partner and I go out we make sure to “make our own fun”. We will dance alone, with each other or forcibly dance with some random guy standing around the wall. But it should not be that hard. There are these wonderful places called “bars” and “lounges” where people can go listen to music, have a few drinks and stand around uselessly. Clubs are for dancing.

A friend of mine told me that it is unattractive for a female to dance around so much that she breaks a sweat. What he doesn’t recognize is the close correlation between dancing and sex. I don’t see how with the way people dance today. On the dance floor, as in bed, there are bodies moving in rhythm. The music pulses and you can close your eyes and feel bass moving through you. When the music is right you are allowed to touch and feel a stranger in ways you can’t do anywhere else. You can rub and grind in the most intimate ways. Your bodies glide over each other and exude hormones tinged with a hint of the primal scent of sex. You let your hips make promises you have no intention to keep once the beat changes, but the seduction is there nonetheless. Videos simulate the sweat that’s generated in the club by spraying water over well oiled women. These women stare into the camera like they’re looking into your eyes…and the eyes of the millions of others watching. So unless you’re some sort of voyeuristic pervert, isn’t touching more fun than looking?

And if you are going out, are you not out to meet people? If you have come to the club WITH everyone you ever hope to meet, you have wasted time. Have a house party for goodness sake. Don’t clog up the club. People go out and stand in groups with the people they already know and refuse to socialize. Men turn down dances with pretty women so they can stand around with their boys and LOOK at women. While this practice makes me happy when it’s my special friend who’s out at the club (don’t want HIM touching anybody) it’s disturbing when I’m trying to cut a rug!

So say it with me, “Clubs are for…DANCING”.


{June 23, 2009}   Standard Deviations

By definition, standard deviation is a measure of the variability or dispersion of a population, a data set, or a probability distribution. ( In the game of cat and mouse that is the dating world I use it to describe the standards by which deviant males judge the average female. Confused? Allow me to explain.

By researching I have found that there are three major categories of beauty to the male eye: par, sub-par and video chick. Each of these categories has it’s own draw and appeal to men. Sub-par women, especially those who recognize themselves as such, are usually easier prey since they may have some self-esteem issues. They require less wine and dine and less quality time before giving up the goods. Women who are “on par” present a greater challenge. The category of “Par” itself is challenging in that it must be broken down into sub categories such as cute, pretty and fine. Fine being the closest rating to the ultimate genre of “Video Chick”. This on the fence category puzzles and plagues me. It is completely objective and yet so persistent.

Think of yourself and how you view your looks. You get all dolled up for a night on the town. Hair perfect, nails done, new dress that shows off how much you’ve been hitting the gym and skipping the fridge. You are showing just enough leg AND cleavage to avoid breaking the “mams or gams” rule . Girl you look good! Dare I say….fine. You get to your social venue of choice feeling good and smiling, but the men are not falling all over you like they should be. Yet, somewhere in the corner of the club is a brokeback bitch getting ALL the attention. Maybe she’s missing a few teeth. Maybe one of the teeth she still has is gold. Maybe it’s just so yellow it looks gold. The top she’s wearing is the one that you (who are clearly 3 sizes smaller than her) were looking for at the mall earlier and she has squeezed her muffin tops and jelly-rolls into it. And speaking of jelly…is that what’s hanging off the back of her worn-out, pin-on ponytail? You are obviously better looking than her. So why aren’t you getting the drinks and catcalls that you deserve?

I interviewed my friend “Quincy” whose name has been changed to protect his playa card and he told me this. By looking too good you have pretty much set yourself up for failure. You have moved yourself up into a different standard deviation. You are now being judged on video chick level. What you don’t hear are the men saying “she looks good…but she’s no Beyonce.” Suddenly, just being the hottest girl in the room is not enough. You now have to outdo an unobtainable diva with access to stylists, trainers, nutritionists, personal chefs, a reservoir of finances and an untold bevy of hair and makeup magicians. Oh….and you don’t have the benefit of walking in a permanent cloud of airbrushing. But men don’t care about all that. All they see now is a good-looking girl who will be too much trouble to get with. They would go ahead and buy you a drink if you were say – Lauren London, but you’re not…so good luck.

Still I wonder, if somebody like Vida Guerra were to climb down from her stripper pole and grace a nightclub with her magnificence would the men fall all over her then? OR would she be struck down as a fallen angel like the rest of us because she’s not all shiny and accompanied by a bangin beat and that pulsating light effect Hype Williams puts in all his videos? Would she fall into the unfair judgement like the rest of us? That’s not all Beyonce’s hair, but yours better be. Halle Berry has scars on her shins too, but who’s looking at her shins when her titas are out? You best believe that’s a little piggy nose on Rhianna’s face, but when her eye make up and lipstick are screaming “Look at Me!” and her shoes are to DIE for, nobody is noticing her nose…and have you seen her naked pics on the net?! (I’ve posted them here out of spite and to get site traffic in google searches.) If she were the average girl walking around the only comments would be how flat her chest or ass is.

So what is the solution? Lupe Fiasco said you have to “Dumb it Down” to make a hot record because today’s society doesn’t like witty lyrics. So do you have to “ugly it up” to get a man? I think not. I truly believe that the kind of man that we of the “Par” variety seek and deserve are smart enough to recognize our beauty for what it is, and not by what they see on TV. The real men in the world know that when it comes to video hoes, all that glitters ain’t gold…it’s covered in bronzer and Vaseline, but real women exist in the real world.

**Meanwhile, there are Lil’ Wayne looking dudes in real life (with NO money) still getting play. Women are so evolved…or something.

{June 22, 2009}   ME

Deal With It

I’ve recently been made painfully aware that I can come off as insensitive, abrasive and “not interested” to the general male population…….My bad. I THOUGHT I was just being true to myself. It seems that myself is; insensitive, abrasive and not interested. I’m also now confused. I know there are things about me that are atypical to females (I’ll get into those in a minute) but you’d think that guys would appreciate a smart, funny, independent woman with a healthy sexual appetite. Boy was I wrong. Apparently what they want is a doting, giggling, needy broad that they can high five their boys about how they “hit it” and then complain later about all the hair and nail appointments they have to pay for to keep their bitch looking fine. I could be exaggerating but that’s the vibe I’m getting from what I see going on around me. Like my next door neighbor who has no discernable job but instead has a bevy of well paid fat men who come by and bring her stuff and take her places and apparently pay her bills. I’m sorry but I can’t have a man huffing and puffing on top of me so I can drive a Neon. No thank you.

So…here all laid out for you are some of the typical and conversely atypical things about me every man should know:

Let’s start with the good news:

  1. I like to be wined and dined. Movies, dinner for two, long walks holding hands. All that.
  2. I love shoes. Pumps, stilettos, sandals, boots, flats, slip-ons (NOT strap-ons), wedges, espadrilles, platforms, peeptoes, and anything that slims my ankles.
  3. I like reading the glossies. Elle, Vogue, Ebony, Essence, People, COSMO! Yeah…I do the quizzes “Find Your Astrological Match”, “Which ‘Golden Girl’ Are You?”, “How Much Do You Know About Your Vagina”. Those.
  4. I like makeup. I’m an autumn and earth tones look best on me.
  5. I watch the Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmys, Grammys, Hip Hop Awards and all the rest so I can see what everyone is wearing on the red carpet and during performances.
  6. I cry. I REALLY DO! At sad sappy movies: “The Bridges of Madison County” did me in, as did “All Dogs Go To Heaven”. I cry at happy Hallmark commercials and births. I don’t cry at weddings. I’ll leave that crying to the bride and groom… poor saps. I usually cry when people die but I’ve been having some problems with that recently. But that commercial about all the abused and abandoned animals gets me every time.
  7. Oh…I like puppies and kittens and horses. BOY do I like horses. Just like every little girl should.
  8. I like spooning. Hugging and snuggling in bed. Mmm. Snuggly.
  9. I like my nails painted and my hair done..I just can’t afford to get it done all the time. I’m really DIY about it
  10. I shave or wax EVERYTHING except my head. Smooth is cool. I enjoy being smooth.
  11. I’m self conscious about my weight. Find me a woman who’s happy with her body and I’ll find you a liar.
  12. And before I get to the bad news let me just stress, I like MEN. Sexy men with strapping good looks. Whatever strapping means. You know…hotties!

Now for the bad news. And any sissified, mamas boy who can’t handle it better look away now because the following is true for more women than those who admit it.

  1. I CAN do it myself. If a man is not around I can get the jar open, kill the spider, change the tire, cut the grass or whatever else it takes for me to survive in the real world without the help of the male species. I am NOT helpless. Not to say that I wouldn’t prefer for a man to do the job for me. Just don’t think that it’s not going to get done just because you’re not around.
  2. I know what that sound is under the hood. I might not necessarily be able to fix it but I can give you a good idea of what it is. Engine knocking, tire low, battery, alternator, loose muffler. I’ve had crappy cars since before I had a license. It’s all relative.
  3. I like football and basketball and I watch them on TV. AND I yell at the screen and jump up and down.
  4. I just MIGHT beat you at wrestling or slap fighting. Chances are if you actually hit me it’ll hurt like hell and I’ll cry about it. But you’re also taking that chance that I’ll get really mad and try to beat the shit out of you too.

{June 22, 2009}   Is That What Friends Are For?


Is That What Friends Are For?

Women have problems being honest with themselves about their relationships. We are loaded full of advice for our sisters and sister-friends, but when it comes time to turn the compass inward we are most often thrown off course. Sometimes it’s fear that blinds us, sometimes it’s our failure to recognize or accept faults in ourselves. Whatever it is that keeps us from fessing up to our faults it is very important to be able to turn to someone loving and honest, AND to be able to accept their advice and guidance.

Unfortunately we all know what it is like to see something bad happening in another woman’s relationship, and to feel helpless to say anything about it. Maybe the last time you told your girlfriend her man was cheating she turned on you and snapped, “What do YOU know about my man! You’re just jealous because you don’t have a man of your own.” These are the same women who have children that become criminals and just can’t believe that they’re baby boy robbed the bank; in spite of the DNA evidence, video surveillance, and the fact that she was standing in the lobby when he did it. I get it. No one likes to hear bad news about someone they care about. And no one likes to be the last to know…or in the case of a cheating man, third to know at best. So as the friend of the cheated-on friend we clam up and say nothing. Or we drop hints, “Girl, when’s the last time you spent the night at HIS place?” or “Why does he ask you to duck every time you drive by THAT particular house?” We do all we can to make our friends aware without becoming the enemy.

I am not a person who has a lot of friends. I don’t have the patience to nurture[1] that many relationships. But I like to be honest with the few I call my friends…on both sides of the equation. I will offer advice to those I feel will listen, and I am open with admitting “No matter what you say, I’m just going to do what I’m going to do.” Most of the time I do take advice from my best friends. It’s hard to hear sometimes and listening as they speak makes me feel a little bit like a child. But I know that the people that I keep closest around me have my best interest in mind. Shouldn’t we all have that much faith in someone we call friend?

[1] Coming soon: Friends-How Many of Us Have Them and How Many Do We REALLY Need.

Amber Rose

Amber Rose: Gotta Love Bold, Bald and Beautiful.

Beyonce: Yes...Hips Bitches!! You love it!

Beyonce: Yes...Hips Bitches!! You love it!

Christina Aguilera: The trend came-went and came again, but she has NOT let that red lipstick go.

Christina Aguilera: The trend came-went and came again, but she has NOT let that red lipstick go.

Tracee Ellis Ross: Her momma is Ms. Ross, but really I just want her hair!

Tracee Ellis Ross: Her momma is Ms. Ross, but really I just want her hair!

Dita Von Teese

Dita Von Teese: C'mon Who else can go out looking like this?

We all like to feel fashion forward, even when we are just following the trends. But these ladies have the courage (and finances) to step out in the notice me outfits that set those trends. You know them when you see them because they stand out. But remember…you have to have star power to get away with this, so go hard or don’t bother to try this at home.

RiRi: Can't stand her anymore know you want to wear that.

RiRi: Can't stand her anymore know you want to wear that.

Pink: Gray Hair under 40? So WHAT!

Pink: Gray Hair under 40? So WHAT!

Victoria Beckham: She's rich and is NOT ashamed to show it.

Victoria Beckham: She's rich and is NOT ashamed to show it.

Monica: forget Haute it's Hood Couture all day.

Monica: forget Haute it's Hood Couture all day.

Zoe Kravitz: Who's your daddy?

Zoe Kravitz: Who's your daddy? She always looks a little grungy but it works for her.

et cetera